So, first I started writing this in hungarian. Obviously. But it felt so unnatural, because we never talked in hungarian. We only talked in english, so I wanna keep it as natural as possible.

Hey.

You haven't texted me since the Bulgaria camp. It's really not you.

I sometimes look at my phone and I am expecting a WhatsApp message to pop up on my screen, because I know how you can be. You would even text me from "there"...

But you are not texting me. You are dead. Not really, of course but still. You're dead and it's weird how easy it is to type it or say it, now.

I wasn't sure whether I would want to or even could write about these things, but I don't want your memory to be erased. I wanna keep it for ever. As it was. As it has always been. As it is now.

Maybe, if I write these things, it will make grief a little bit easier for someone else. Maybe not.

Maybe it's just me who needs to be constantly texting you, cause I am such a dependent little monkey.

I don't mind if people say that I am talking too much about you, because there is no such thing as too much. There's never enough of you. And it is okay to be sad. It is okay to miss you, cause I do miss you. I miss you like crazy.

It has almost been three weeks since you've been gone. Sometimes I manage to talk about you without tearing up, but sometimes I still cry. Like now. It does not hurt anymore as much and as constantly as it did, first. But the scar is still fresh enough to put it in a jar and reserve it. And I wanna do that. Because pain is okay. Pain is a blessing. Pain means that we loved you. We still do. All of us. And I don't think I am ready to let go of this pain.

Cristina Alexandra Bostaca, born 28th May, 2001. Passed on 28th August, 2021.

I hope it didn't hurt much. Hopefully not at all. An article said that both you and Elena were gone immadiately. I hope so. I can't imagine you in pain.

Isn't it crazy how we only met once? (I almost wrote we HAVE only met.... but it can't be like so. We will not meet on this earth again..)

So we only met in January 2020, in Frankfurt, on TGLC.

I was fascinated by how tall you were and also by your radiant smile. I remembered you as the romanian friend of Teo.

Can you recall how we became friends?

I can't really, to be honest. Not exactly.

I saw you on Zoom quite often and than, maybe for the CYA World Camp, we were set on the same project group.

We were constantly left alone on the meetings and we just started enjoying each other's company more and more.

After a while we talked almost every day.

You were the most intelligent, bright, smart girl I have ever met in my life. You know how I am. How I always think of myself as someone more intelligent than others. Well, I always tought you were even more intelligent than me. (I know, I know, I am an egoist, but it is already in my mind. Writing it down doesn't make any difference.)

You were always ready to learn from anyone and everyone. You had amazing language skills. You knew so much about the world and most importantly, you knew so much about God's heart.

I remember how shocked I was when we first talked really heart to heart. You were 7 years younger than me, but spiritually you were my 언니. You were someone who I looked up to, who I could count on, whose heart was constantly connected to God. It was a heart we all need to learn from. Someone said that about you over text. And it is so true. Your death, if anything, was a blessing in terms of opening our eyes. A wakeup call if you like. How you lived your life to the fullest, with the brightest mind and smile. Dedicated to the gospel, only.

This is the verse that describes your heart, too:

Your heart was exactly what I first met in IYF. This scolding kinda love. If I would share my concerns about something, you would never just take my side and clap my back, like, wow yes, you are so right, everyone else is stupid. No. You would guide my heart and help me see the bigger picture. Sometimes it was super irritating, but gosh, I appreciated it sooo much. I loved when you did that. Those times I knew I really matter to you. Because my heart was more important to you than our friendship. Thank you! <3

I wrote this on 31st. And it is kinda exactly the same as I feel now:

Last night Roxi put a photo on her story and some text in Romanian that I translated.  It basically said how she wants to send this photo to you but she can't so instead she shares it with everyone.

And I feel the same. Almost every single day I delete Instagram from my phone 3 times because I keep finding posts that I would only wanna share with you, but I can't. So I delete the whole app... Makes sense, doesn't it. Or I sometimes send those posts to someone else. I keep texting people I usually never text, because there is this void that you left, that needs to be filled but it can't be. Not by people, anyways. ( I am having a dramatic moment here, so let it be, for now, please.)

For a week I didn't even want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to be home. Because if I can't be with you, it is not fair to be with anyone. If I can't talk to you, it is not fair to talk to anyone. If I can't share my happiness with you, I shouldn't be happy at all... 

Or is that not so?

You know, after you passed I did not think about it as horror. I don't do so now, either.

Don't take it the wrong way, but I don't mind you being dead. I mean I do, of course. But it is not like, Omg, it is so unfair and terrible. Because it is not. You are with God and I am happy for you. I know how happy you must be, and how happy He must be, for having you around. Making chicken soup and Lángos. With a ton of garlic. You are probably eating a fistful of garlic, right now, just by itself. You are so weird.

You know, before, when I lost someone I never felt this kind of sadness. Because when my loving grandparents died, I was really ready for them to go. When someone young died, they were just not close enough to me so that I would care so much, I guess. 

But with you. Gosh, I have no idea how the girls in Romania are baring it.

We were "only" online friends. Yet our hearts connected on so many levels.

In camp, on Sunday, as I was going around with puffy face and random tears, Jihoon would sometimes just look at me and say: Marcsi. It's okay. And I was like. yes, ok, what are you talking about. (As if nothing happened.) But than again he would say the same thing. That it is okay. Sion, too. We would walk by each other's side and he would go: it is okay.

It is okay that you are gone. It is okay that I cry. It is okay to be a mess for now.

Even my pastor knew how close we were. He came up to my flat the day after you passed with Berlin 목사님 and he talked about his loss and all sorts of things. And the evening after again. He even shared the word they received on the pastors' meeting. 

And you know, honestly, I am fine. Because I am.

Because whenever I look up to Jesus he does comfort me, perfectly. I know I sound crazy, but I still talk to you. Like now. Sometimes I just go home, and as I am alone, I start talking to you and to God at the same time. And it is like a tea party. And I can feel you both by my side.

I am grateful for the community God prepared for us with your parting. Because I don't think I ever really talked to Roxi, for example, and now we have exchanged messages a few times. She even sent me voice notes and I realized how I had no idea what her voice actually sounds like.

The morning I learnt about you, we were at camp and I was gonna prepare a mind lecture. I did not understand why Juan took so long with his lecture, before me. Than a few days afterwards he shared that he though I might not be able to share the mind lecture (it was my first one, btw, I hope I did not mess it up, I kept thinking about you the whole time, how you'd be sooo good at this. You just loved mind lectures, I know), so he kept praying for me the whole time and he tried to talk longer so that I do not have to do it.

But I did, by the grace of God.

My eyes were swollen, my nose red, but I managed. Not by my efforts. By God's power.

You wanted to be a mind lecturer. You wanted to educate the youth. You wanted to go out on mission. You wanted to establish a publishing house in Romania for Pastor Park's books.

You had so many plans, and yet I am not really sorry that those won't come true because God's plan is perfect. Yours wasn't, mine isn't. His is. <3

There are so so many more things I wanna share. How I refuse to buy a new phone, (you know I have been needing a new one since November, now more than ever) because I am worried it will make our messages disappear. I have taken one too many screenshots of our texts.

I have printed 3 photos of you. I have one taped to my monitor at work, one in my phone case, though noone can see it and one in my photo album. I will only keep that last one, but for now I need the two others, as well.

I have started the new semester at theology school.

Work is hard these days. I don't know how, but it actually is so much and so tiring.

I am writing a devotional for a competition in Hungary, collecting thoughts from theology and sermons.

I got vaccinated.

I am gonna take a trip to London maybe this year, maybe just next year.

I actually started learning korean again.

I am still doing that work-out we started together. It was far much more fun doing it with you, but it is still pretty funny. Like literally. Funny.

My little sister is getting more and more excited about her wedding that I wanted to take you to as my date, but now I need to find someone else. We could have had matching dresses. Whatever, now I will have to be the prettiest guest, I guess.

I need to get out of my head and my heart. I need to go on. And I do.

But forgive me for not being too good at it.

You are an inspiration. Your soul was an inspiration. Your death is an inspiration. Your faith was and is an inspiration.

I will go out, preaching the gospel boldly.

Pastor told me that we are gonna meet sooo soon. Like, it's ridiculous how soon we're gonna meet. So it will be! :)

Your Instagram bio says: John 13:7

I put it in my Kakao bio.

"Jesus answered and said to him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this."

Amen.

I still have Matthew 21:22 in my Insta bio, tho. Just letting you know I don't stop dreaming.

God loves us sooo much.

You were such a blessing to have.

He still pures joy and peace every single day in my heart.

And I love you. We love you, We all love you very much.